What Are Some Practical Ways for Dads to Stay Engaged?

Welcome to the Able Speaks podcast where we speak to commonly asked questions by parents, who have received a life limiting diagnosis for their child.

We’re Daniel and Kelly Crawford and we’re glad that you’ve joined us.

All right, welcome back to the Able Speaks podcast for part two of Dad Edition. And so joined again by our brother Pierce Hilbert.

Hello.

August’s daddy-o. And if you didn’t listen to part one, last episode, go check that out because that kind of sets the table for what we’re going to do in this episode.

And so last time we kind of talked about the heart behind one of the biggest ways, the biggest challenges that dads struggle with in this season, which is namely just staying engaged, comprehensively speaking. And so we’re going to get a little more practical this time, but you dish it out babe.

Yeah. So, I’m going to be asking the questions today and I’m really excited about this episode. It is a love language of mine. Just I love all things practical and just pointing people in the right direction.

So the question for today’s episode is, what are some practical ways for dads to stay engaged?

Yeah, I’ll take this one to start. A couple things for me, and as Daniel mentioned, we just kind of did a heart podcast previously, but I think they kind of tie all in together.

So the way I look at it is, for me, the practical things let me connect to baby, which and then in turn, helped me be empathetic to Haley, my wife, or to connect with Haley, my wife. And so it kind of is this love triangle, if you will. But from practicality’s sake, two things that I did that actually Daniel urged me to do, that I hate doing. One of those things was writing notes.

So, for me it was an extremely overwhelming task. I think you remember our conversation, but my wife passed English for me and so I do not write and so it was an overwhelming task. So I bought a small moleskin and I skipped a line and I just wrote August a little note every single day.

And I think twofold, it did two things. One, like I said, it helped me connect with baby. Two, I think it helped me connect and see God in the season. So I can go back and look at, holy cow, look how I started writing, to look where I am today. I started writing with God, “I don’t want to see August. It’s scary.” And my last journal is like, “I can’t wait to meet my baby.”

And so that was one of the biggest practical takeaways for me in connecting with August. And then too, I think get to know your baby. So for us, it was talking to him, or we noticed that when Haley drank coffee, he would kick. And so we would drink coffee and after we’d drink coffee we would go sit on the couch because we knew he would move around or whatever that might be. I think those little tangible things on getting to know your baby and it’s different and a lot of times it feels weird because it’s not a normal child outside of the womb. But if you still look at it as this is God’s child that he has granted and given me access to and to shepherd on this side of heaven, I think it’s easy to do so and really get to know him.

So those are my two things. Write notes and then get to know your baby by talking. I’ve seen some people paint like a hand on mommy’s belly and paint the fingernails for baby girls or whatever it might be. And then I’m going to lie. I’m going to add one more.

Bonus.

Yeah. Pray with mama often. Again, I think it’s all this love triangle, but praying with mama helps you go with her to God. And it’s really a unique season because there’s a lot of times in life where people suffer, but it’s kind of in their own corners. And this is, I think one of the few times where you guys are, you know what I would call equal sufferers. And so pressing in practically through things like getting to know baby, writing notes, praying with, just goes a long way and some of the things we talked about last episode; relationship with baby wife and God.

That’s awesome man. And yeah, I think all that. Just don’t miss the moment. Don’t miss the season. That was a message of what we said last time and all of the things you laid out I think are really helpful, tangible ways, to root ourselves in that season and be present, to ourselves and to our spouses.

And so a couple other things come to my mind. I think all things appointments, like medical appointments. Oftentimes, we’ll see dynamics with families where it’s like, okay, dad has the more rigid eight to five job and so that kind of puts more on mom’s plate. Well man, I think it’s just if at all possible, and it might not be. But if at all possible, being present for those, I think is a big deal, especially sonograms, things like that.

And then play a role at those appointments, even if you just held her hand the whole time. That’s invaluable. But I think there’s also like, hey, take notes, ask questions, or if she’s more the question asker, just jot down the question she asks and what the doctor says just ’cause it can be hard to maybe walk out of there with totally clear reflections on everything.

I think on a similar note, correspondence. I think hopefully you have people in your life and in your tribe that are tracking and love you and want to know updates on what’s going on and so it may be that your wife is like, “Oh, I love doing that stuff. I love writing. I love communicating in which…”

That’s not me.

Yeah, that was not…

To be clear.

I’m not married to one of those people.

No.

And so that was a way, and still is, to say, “Hey, let me take that and let me run with that,” as far as keeping people updated and responding to text messages and sending those emails proactively. So those were a couple of tangible things in the season.

I thought of, you touched on last time, Pierce, just the we’re not walking around with the pregnant belly and so we’re not getting those conversations in the grocery store, the elevator or whatever. And so something that we did, we’re actually both wearing hats right now that have A’s on them. And so that was something I just started wearing hats that have an A on them and it’d be like Atlanta and people like, “You Braves fan?” And I’m like, “No. No connection with the Braves whatsoever.”

Zero.

But it’s this on ramp.

I actually wear these hats that have A’s on them because it’s my son. My son’s name is Abel and then you get a little 30 second window, to kind of talk about what’s going on.

I had a bracelet at the time before I devoted one whole appendage to being covered in tattoos that are connected to things that remind me of Able and create conversations that way.

Your arm. That’s the appendage, to be clear.

My arm. That’s the appendage.

Sorry. But I said…

Great clarification.

To share that.

Is that even a thing?

I don’t know, but I just want to bring clarity.

Okay. I thought appendages were just arms and legs. I’m just going to go on record.

Those are my appendages.

It is my right arm. So, we’re going to leave that in, I think, and just keep trucking. But before…

For the men. Give them some laughs.

Yeah, there you go. Before I had a sleeve tattoo on my right arm, which is a clear way of saying that, I would wear a bracelet that has name on it too and so that was less maybe of a conversation sparker and it was more of just something visual that I would look down and I would see and it would just help with a sense of mindfulness throughout the day. Because yeah, I was still going to work and navigating other responsibilities where when I’m with Kelly, it’s like, oh yes. I’m looking at her. I’m seeing her pregnant belly. It’s all of those things. So just some tangible ways visually and visibly to keep it in front of you.

And then yeah, lastly, I mean this wasn’t the case six years ago with us, but now a couple of other resources we would point you to.

One is this podcast and so something that we’ve been really encouraged to hear, that we didn’t even really think about initially when we started recording these, we just kind of wanted to build an archive of commonly asked questions, but we’ve been hearing from families that they’ve started listening to these little seven minute episodes together and just do one a night. And then, because it could be hard to know, especially every new day, when maybe not a lot has changed. It just gives you something. It’s like, “All right. Well let’s listen to that and then what do we think about that.”

Try it or talk about it.

And it’s less like, holy cow, let this wisdom rush over you, is less what I’m saying. It’s more of just like, it’s something related to what you’re walking through, but more specific, very thinly sliced, that just gives y’all something to, how do you feel about that? Or, how did that resonate with you?

If you don’t know what you don’t know.

Yes.

So it’s just kind of helps. It’s a new thing to talk about or a new way for dad, for you to engage and see, oh, this is something that is important to her, or that she finds important, that you can press in to kind of help the whole topic. Stay engaged and love on your kiddo and your wife in the season.

Totally.

And then last but not least, Kelly and I actually had the opportunity to partner with Denison Ministries and we created a workbook, kind of a four week, five days a week. So, 20 devotionals basically, just around walking through sorrow and suffering, with a biblical worldview. And so that’s something that ultimately for the families that we get connected with, we gift to them, but it’s also for sale on Amazon or other places. And so that could be another opportunity of, hey, it’s short. It’s digestible. Let’s both read that this morning and then we can talk about that together. So, kind of just another flavor of the podcast.

Yeah, it’s called A Parents Guide to Sorrow and Suffering, if you want to buy it on Amazon. But one thing that I would say is just the Lord has created each one of us so uniquely, and so I think what is sweet in this season, is that we really get to see those gifts kind of rise to the top. And that looks different for every dad, every mom as well. But it doesn’t have to be the same. You don’t have to do things the same way that another dad or another family does, but use the gifts that God has given you.

And so as Daniel said, he’s a great writer, a great note taker, and that really blessed me when we would go to appointments and I ask all the questions. I’m big question asker, so that’s kind of how the Lord’s wired me, but he’s wired him in a different way. And so to utilize those strengths and gifts that God has given us, to first of all steward our son’s life, but also just to feel connected to one another and so that we can look back on the season without regrets.

And so I would just say to the dads that are listening, whatever your strengths are, however the Lord has wired you, figure out a way to use those in this season, to connect with the Lord, to connect with your wife, and to lead your family.

That’s good. Final thoughts? Final thoughts?

Yeah. I think my final thoughts, just as I’m reading over my notes is, one of the things I thought that became helpful is I think as men we like to fix. And so often what that looked like for me and Hailey is she would cry and I would try to make up some kind of words, bundle of words, to help the situation.

And one of the things I ended up being super helpful for us was just no words. Just sit there and cry together and just kind of press in that way. A lot of times, you don’t need to have the perfect response to the tears of the situation, but as we’ve mentioned before, it’s not perfection we’re seeking, but presence. And that presence I feel like goes a long way in the season.

That’s great and I know we’ve said in other episodes, but the goal also is not the barometer with which you gauge, are you doing it right now? Are you doing a good job? Is not to be mirror reflections of one another, in terms of how are we emoting? And how often are we crying? Or how often are we angry?

The way that it works out in each individual can be different and I think the goal is just that intangible knowing and sense of like, “Hey, but we’re together in this.” And so I think what you just did, laid out, is yet another way of just non-verbally communicating that most important of things.

And so I think that’s the place, we’ll wrap it up. The little two episode fathers edition. I hope this is helpful and we’re going to see you next time on the Able Speaks Podcast.

Hey friends, thanks for listening in. We hope this content has been helpful. At Able Speaks, we exist to support families who have chosen to carry a child with a life limiting diagnosis, and we want you to know that the foundation of that support is rooted in relationships.

And so if you are a parent in this circumstance, then by all means continue listening in, but we’d really encourage you to reach out by sending an email to support at ablespeaks.org.

Again, our heartfelt prayer is that this episode has served you in some way and that we might have the opportunity to serve you further in the future.

The Able Speaks Podcast is produced, mixed and edited by the team at Sound of a Rose.